Childhood attachment to primary caregivers has been the source of much study in the world of counselling and psychology and is often a major component of marriage and family therapy. How come?
It is widely understood that at the base of our relational dysfunction lies a broken, internal relational system formed by our earliest interactions with caregivers. In short, we are all operating out of a predetermined set of beliefs about relationship. A brief summary of the four styles of attachment include secure, ambivalent, avoidant and disorganized.
There is so much to learn about each type which is outside the scope of this post but for the sake of understanding ambivalent, avoidant and disorganized attachment belong to the group of unhealthy attachments in which a person is either; overly clingy and anxious; withdrawn and emotionally distant; or a combination of both due to a lack of comfort and security in childhood.
The focus of this post is to uncover the impact attachment is having on us and the immeasurable role our relationship with the Trinity plays in healing us.
A look at salvation through the lens of attachment theory reveals the relational context of the cross. God as a Father moves toward lost and wandering children who have learned to believe the worst about Him, in order to open a way to come home to His love.
God is Our Ultimate Attachment Figure
The state of an unhealthy attachment system within a child occurs through some form of emotional, psychological, and/or physical neglect, abandonment or abuse.
As children we need to be loved and cared for in order to feel valued. We also need to feel protected and have our needs met in order to feel safe in the world.
A secure attachment to our care-givers as a child provides security, self-confidence and the sense of being loved. The truth is even the best parents can not be perfect. Attachment breaks continue to happen as we grow up as well which can reinforce negative messaging we received as children. This is why we are so in need of Perfect Love.
Broken parents break children.
Broken spouses break their spouses.
Betrayed and abused individuals betray and abuse others.
The human condition is grim if not for a powerful intervention. Thankfully, there has been one!
Enter, the cross.
The life of Jesus and the work of the cross were the unveiling of Heaven’s heart toward us and the simultaneous condemning of Satan’s work against us. It was a move of our Father toward us in order to bring home and heal hurting and lost sons and daughters.
God the Father is the only perfect parent!
God is our ultimate attachment figure.
Internal Healing
Many of our issues be it addictions, behavioural problems, relational struggles, fears, anxiety and depression etc. are directly related to this lack of healthy attachment. The healing for these things lies deep within. Our innermost being, our heart, needs to connect with real love. A Love that will not abandon us and Love that tells us the truth and lets us be honest.
Only one being has the capacity for the level of consistency our brokenness demands. That being is God our Father.
As David exclaimed, “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close” (Ps.27:10).
To heal the magnitude of rejection, compromise, abandonment, and betrayal most of us have operating within, perfect love must reside long-term becoming the answer to it all.
No matter how bad our start was, God has a plan of redemption and restoration to bring us back in line with our original design and true worth. There is hope at every corner of this journey home.
An understanding of attachment brings new meaning to “God loves you and wants to take care of you”. It also can bring some insights into why we are struggling with trust and intimacy in relationships. For an in-depth look at this concept I’d recommend the book, “Attachments: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do” by Dr.Tim Clinton and Dr.Gary Sibcy.
A wise counsellor once shared with me, “God heals us so we can heal our relationships”. Getting our emotional needs healed is a key to relational health. Until this happens we act and react in ways that hurt intimacy and breakdown relationships. Intimacy with God is a powerful starting place for the internal healing we need. He knows everything about us and He has the path through our pain to bring us home to His heart.
We were never meant to be un-attached. We’re hurting in our isolation and aloneness. We were designed for intimacy and intimacy is our birthright. Let Him heal us deeply so we can thrive in all we are made to be.
Leave a Comment